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If yours is a stepfamily at the breaking point, one of the growing number of unsuccessful stepfamilies, read some encouraging, humorous advice on your way toward developing healthy relationships.

Plano Profile

Taking Steps

to bring harmony and understanding into today's blended families

By Heather Darrow

Elizabeth and Kali SchniedersShe's the Wicked Witch of the West, the evil queen in Sleeping Beauty, and the Cinderella oppressor all rolled up into one. Without a doubt, she is there to take all of her new husband's time and affection. And worst of all, she is nothing like the mother she is trying to replace.She doesn't bake homemade cookies. She prefers to order out. She's the evil stepmother - at least in the eyes of her new, 8-year-old stepdaughter.

This all too familiar scenario is just what Kali and Elizabeth Schnieders want to expose and combat in their new book, You're NOT My Mom! Confessions of a Formerly "Wicked" Stepmother. The mother-daughter team hung their personal challenges and experiences out to dry on a national clothesline in the hopes that they would bring harmony to other stepfamilies around the country.

Blended families may joyously celebrate National Stepfamily Day this September 16 after comparing their issues with what the Schnieders call "an extreme family makeover," their own bonding encounter. Elizabeth, a former Cinderella, graphically describes their blended family experience as being churned together in a Cuisinart.

Many of the arguments that raged through the Schnieders household stemmed from unexpressed expectations that were far from being met.

"I was expecting fresh-baked cookies and rides to school. Still to this day, I have not eaten a home-cooked meal [prepared by Kali]. My expectation was Cruella DeVille. We see wicked stepmothers in movies all the time," said Elizabeth.

Kali said, "She hoped she was getting Claire Huxtable, June Cleaver and Mother Teresa wrapped in one, and she got Judge Judy. Poor child. I had even less rapport with a rump roast than with children, so at 8-years-old Elizabeth said, 'I am cooking my own meals.' Her [deceased, biological] mother was an elementary school teacher. I thought we'd be like the von Trapp family and go singing in the hills and come home to dinner."

According to the Schnieders' Web site, in the next five years there will be more stepfamilies than nuclear families in the United States, and statistics indicate that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce primarily because of issues with stepchildren.

The mother-daughter duo says their book is unique because most stepparent books are written by psychologists. They say their publication is "how not to" based on their mishaps and a 10-year love/hate relationship.

Elizabeth said, "The point is that we stuck with it. At a woman's group, I introduced Kali as my friend. We were brutally honest in this book, which makes it very funny. I looked like an awful brat, and it was hard for us. But if it helps others, then it is worth it. It is a bittersweet story. We want people to get to the sweet part a lot faster than we did"

In addition to giving real-life examples, the book has "If only I had known" and "What I would have done differently" sections at the end of every chapter to encourage family members to talk about how they could handle a similar situation. The book also gives both a child's and parent's viewpoint for each situation.

Kali was a corporate saleswoman who had worked for three Fortune 500 companies. She had no experience with children. When the new family moved to Texas because her husband, Larry, had a new job, they made a family decision that Kali would become a stay-at-home mom. Without a local friend or an inkling of what she was getting into, she naively thought, "I am a woman without a child and she is a child without a mother, so this should work." Kali then set out to personalize her new house. She bought designer chairs and ordered new white carpet - the perfect recipe for disaster. It wasn't long before orange juice went from the table to the floor.

By the time this incident had occurred, Kali was meeting with a counselor in an effort to achieve family harmony. The counselor led Kali down a path of what ifs, including what if the juice spill stayed on the floor. Kali responded with the fact that the carpet might get stained. The counselor asked her what would happen next. Kali replied that her husband might get mad at Elizabeth, and he might have to replace the carpet. The exercise quickly taught her to pick her battles.

"The conclusion I came to was to stop trying to prevent disasters. I was the wicked stepmother. If you turn loose of the rope and stop the tug of war, that is the best way to win," said Kali.

Kali uses a business analogy to compare the mother-child relationship between a biological mother who has been there since the beginning and a new stepmother.

"A natural parent has a big love bank account to draw from, from the moment they said Mom. I was hated from the get-go, and it went downhill from there. A stepparent has to make a conscious decision to make and grab those moments because those love markers are so clear. You fall in love in moments. There is going to be a lot of dirt in between to stop you from holding on to the moment," said Kali.

One incident that led to a moment that helped Kali hang in there for years was the day Elizabeth broke the "no boys in the house without an adult present" rule. Elizabeth thought it was a silly rule. She was tired of waiting for her stepmother to come home from running errands and wanted to hang out with her junior high friend. She had it all worked out. When her stepmother pulled into the garage, her friend would simply scoot out of the house and then ring the doorbell a little while later. However, Kali was wise to the scheme and intentionally came through the front door.

"My friend ran into the laundry room and hid where the clothes dry. Kali came in the front door and said, 'Elizabeth where is he?' I said, 'What are you talking about? I am following your rules.' Kali walked where he was, and she just stood there and let him sweat, and then she said, 'Would you like to come out now?' She took him home alone. I was thinking I was never going to have friends at school again," said Elizabeth. Kali was relieved to find that the boy actually had the same rule as Elizabeth and frankly explained to him that he would not be viewed as a friend if he suggested that her stepdaughter break this rule again. After that, she had to find a way to really get through to Elizabeth.

"When I got home, I let Elizabeth tell me the story first. I gave her plenty of room to hang herself. This time she was really nailed. Then I said, 'Let me tell you what you are thinking. You are wondering why we have this stupid rule. [I know] because that is what I was thinking when my mother explained the rule to me. We have the rule because when children are 13 or 14 they can find themselves in an awkward situation. Basicsally I am the hormone police, and I am the one you can blame. You don't have to be a dork at school; you can say, 'I have a dorky mom.' If this was my mom, because you lied, you would have been grounded from everything for a month. But I know what will happen. Your dad will come home, and you will cry crocodile tears. He'll undo thepunishment, so I am setting no punishment,' said Kali.

Tension was thick in the Schnieders household until Elizabeth's father came home, and then the most amazing thing occurred. Elizabeth ventured down the stairs and announced that she was grounded for a month. When her father asked what she could have done to deserve so severe a punishment, she simply answered that she and Kali had bonded. While her stepmother watched wide-eyed with wonder, Elizabeth turned to the woman whose affection she had refused for years and asked for a hug. After receiving one hug, she requested a second hug.

Kali was bowled over by the experience and Elizabeth's reaction. Elizabeth, however, saw the discipline as a sign of Kali's love.

"One of the things you need a mother for is to learn about boys and to keep up your reputation. I finally saw that. when she sat me down and said, 'I am protecting your reputation to make you a better woman' I realized that she was protecting me, and it showed me that it was love," said Elizabeth.

Kali said, "What I had done wrong is that 1 could have had that conversation with her [earlier]. It is the why part that I would always leave out. It is a shame that I didn't figure it out sooner. The day she asked for a hug is in the stratosphere. There is an intensity to that because you've waited so long. It filled the love bank in one moment."

It was years between love bank filling moments, but the mother-daughter duo plowed onward. The day Elizabeth packed her bags for college, Kali realized that she had fallen in love with her stepdaughter without even knowing it. For years, she had been dreaming of having time without conflict, time that she and her husband could spend in peace. "The day she left for college there was only room for two in the car, and I was left in the kitchen by myself. I was like a zombie. What was I going to do? When it happened, I realized somewhere along the line I must have become a mom because I really missed her," said Kali.

Kali saw other mothers trying to let their children make it on their own and lost her feeling of inadequacy. She and Elizabeth began the process of getting to know each other as women, but cvhallenges still lay before them.

"Ultimately our family had what we call the train wreck. Elizabeth developed an eathing disorder, so the whole family came together to save her life," said Kali.

Elizabeth added, "In the hospital I realized that I didn't need the power. It wasn't about who was going to win my father's affections. It was about love." Kali says her biggest do-over would be to have special girl time with Elizabeth. She says the problem for stepfamilies is that two parents are trying to bond to each other and the child. She also vehemently says that the wait for family harmony was definitely worth it.

"In our lives we never know when the turnaround is going to come. What if I had given up or Larry had given up? Elizabeth is going to marry her Prince Charming soon, and I would have missed one of the greatest joys in a mother's life," said Kali.

Today the Schnieders women are good friends. They hang out together and travel for interviews and talk shows promoting their book. Elizabeth says one of her favorite experiences was their first TV interview in Indiana.

"It was like a slumber party," Elizabeth said. "We stayed up all night We were so excited to see each other and tell each other stories. I would have never expected this from slamming the door and yelling, 'You're not my mom!' I feel like I am going to be a great parent. It was so therapeutic to write this book."

Kali says she and Elizabeth have a rich relationship with a well they can tap into forever.

"When we found the right wedding dress for Elizabeth, we both burst into tears. I think, 'What if you had missed this?!' What a fool I would have been. Many people would saywhat a fool I would have been to stay in it, but the more trash there is in the middle only makes the end the sweeter.

"My goal is to help that person that is just about to quit, even if it is only one person. I want to give them the determination to say 'I'm going to love them until they love me back.' The ultimate result is that Elizabeth finally believed I could love her. She figured out that I was in her corner all along." said the self-proclaimed formerly "wicked" stepmother.


E-mail Kali

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